Even though you are long gone, there is always a moment when I find you sneaking back in. I fight to push your words from my mind. Some were true but others were lies. Lies that wouldn’t be discovered until long after you died. The innocence you gave. The innocence you took and felt no blame. Who were you to say the things you did? Who were you to treat me or even yourself that way? You struggled so much in life, I just hope death is much easier? I shake my head at that thought, as I’m told you are always around. Even when I think you’re not. I know you’re there watching, looking to see what I’m doing. I wonder do you still hope to see me fail, to see me fall flat on my face. Hmmm, I don’t think so nor should I say I don’t believe so.
Now that you don’t have all those earthly shackles and reality you see things much clearer. Different, some would say. Maybe you’ve come to know that I was never the person you made me out to be. I was creative and you couldn’t understand that. I couldn’t understand your mental health issue then. It wasn’t something one would discuss at least not you. No that was everyone else that had the problem. You would spin a tall tale to cover it all up.
Damn, why can’t I let it all go? Why do you creep in still? I’m not a victim and I’ll never be you. I know you want what is best for me. You want me to be happy and I want that too but sometimes it is a little hard when all those things were programed into my mind way back when.
I think of those years long ago and wonder if things could’ve been different. What would’ve happened, if you had worked things out, stayed. I know there is no sense in dwelling on the past it can’t be changed, just your perception. I’ve come to learn some things are out of our control, there are fated.
I lived most of my life without you, hard to believe really, but time flies. Sometimes, I have a moment when I think you did the best you could do and deep down I accept it. Then, I take a moment and look at all you missed. Okay, maybe you didn’t miss it. You were there but I didn’t get to see you participate. I was only left to wonder what you might think. To wonder if you were proud of me finally and not disappointed. You may be proud now, but you’re still not at rest and I have to wonder if and when you will ever be. I guess when you finally see I am where I should be you will.
Inspired by Hungry Ghosts: I Don't Think About You Anymore, but I Don't Think About You Any Less
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